30 pounds gone in 7 weeks!

From 298 to 268.

From feeling hopeless, fat, frustrated, alone, listless, stuck...

to feeling hopeful, excited, motivated, surrounded by love and support.

I have all of you to thank for that. Friends that I only talk to on facebook, friends I talk to on the phone and who motivate me from afar and friends that I see frequently who have buoyed me with support and encouragement!

The sheer fact that I posted my original post on facebook and that I weigh-in each week to my little blog, keeps me motivated during the week. I like the fact that I am accountable to myself.

This week has had its challenges. But I am realizing that every challenge can be overcome and it doesn't take food and overeating to meet those challenges head-on. I think I yell a little bit more now. Just ask my husband and kids. But I am sure that they will take a mama that raises her voice over one who is six feet under because she ate her way through her stress....right? Or maybe I should start saving all the money that I am not spending on fast-food for their future therapy bills ;) But in all seriousness...I have so much more energy and more importantly than that....I have desire. Desire to do more, go outside, garden, play with them, dance, engage and just be. I am not drowning myself in hamburgers, taquitos, fries, fast-food, heavy casseroles, mexican food...you name it. I am not disconnecting in front of the TV or facebook. I am making time for the things that need it, letting go of the things that don't and placing myself in the forefront instead of just in the background.

That is probably the hardest thing to do as a mother. To verbalize that I am just as important as my children, my husband, my career, my family and to make time to show how important I am. By placing my health in the forefront and not the background I am showing my daughter how to be a strong, independent, forward thinker and I feel that I am showing her how to value herself and to never dull her light at the expense of others.

Hope you all have a great week!

<3, J

Wednesday Weigh-In 5/16/2012

Mothers day was beautiful. We celebrated with my family...three generations of gorgeous women...

I am so blessed to have these little loves in my life....

and we ended the day down in Newport Beach...it was a beautiful, relaxing day with our family...

It is most likely the first holiday that I have celebrated where I didn't go overboard. I enjoyed myself and really savored the moments, the feelings and the people that I was with. 

It was a great day! 

Weighed in this morning at 271 pounds. 27 pounds gone! Feels good to almost be in the 260's again. I haven't been there for almost four years. More and more friends and family are joining me on this weight-loss journey and it feels good to know that I am not alone. It also feels so good to know that while navigating through holidays and stressful times at work...I have not turned to food and resorted to my old habits. This is such a change for me! 

This week has been full of ups and downs. Work is stressful but Hubby is home...haven't had time to work out but I haven't been sitting in front of the tv either. I continue to marvel at the resilience of my children. Victoria is continuing to listen to her body and realize when she is satisfied. Softball season has ended and she genuinely misses going each week. So we signed her up for AYSO summer and fall soccer.

Looking forward to the weekend and more complete family time before hubby is off and running again for summer. See you next week!

<3, J

Wednesday Weigh-In, 5/9/12

There it is...275. 23 pounds gone...2 more this week.

I have not gone to the gym in over 2 weeks :( We all miss it. Too much sickness and the end of softball season. I am getting back in the saddle though.

I also want to do this. Who wants to do it with me? I am big fans of Dallas and Melissa. They are no-nonsense kind of people, sarcastic, witty and super knowledgeable. I am thinking of starting it July 1st. I have been reading their website and facebook page for sometime now and I really need to just do it. Just like I just did this and made the change...this would force me to give up Diet Coke. I am a fiend for Diet Coke. Its all I drink...and its sooooo bad. I just don't stop. So that has to change too.

Hope you all are having a fabulous week! I am counting down until we are out of school!

Lots of job interviews and new prospects on the horizon!

<3, J

Save Me...

Here is my new book to get me through my cardio at the gym. I have to say that it isn't doing what Hunger Games did for me. I am not completely entranced like I was with book number one. I am thinking about re-reading books 2 and 3 since I plowed through them because I couldn't get enough! But I will tell you that reading hard cover books at the gym is not as easy as a paperback!

Save Me is interesting enough, short chapters, an interesting story line and for all the mom's out there...it is definitely relate-able. The question in the beginning of this book is if you were in a crisis situation would you save the children around you first or your child that you knew was in the other room. As a mother and a teacher I feel like I would save whoever was around me, hoping and praying that my daughter was afforded the same consideration wherever she may be. But it raised another question that I think is thought-provoking...if you were taking two children home, yours and a friends and both required booster seats, would you put your child in the booster seat or your friends child?

It definitely made me think about actions and decisions made in a second that while often turn out okay could have dire consequences for all involved. It all goes down to trusting instincts and that Mommy intuition that we all have!

Hope you have a fabulous weekend!

<3, J

281 pounds....17 pounds gone!

So it has almost been a month...well 25 days to be exact.  17 pounds have gone, three more this week. But I must confess...last Friday I "cheated" a little bit. By cheating I will say that I still ate healthy, fresh, home made food. But I had some simple carbs. I didn't go overboard but I did have a potato and some tortillas and believe me I paid for it the next day. I never realized how eating like that made me so sick. Gassy, bloated, just painful. So I was right back to what I know is true for my body. Lots of veggies and lean protein.

The one area where I am focusing on right now is eating until I am satisfied...not stuffed to the gills, ready to explode, FULL!!! So I am stopping when I sense that and encouraging my little girl to do the same. It is working for both of us! She is starting to say "I think I am done" and she is not asking for extras after we are done with dinner. You see I have had this mindset ingrained in me since I was a little girl spending most of my meals with my depression-era grandparents. Waste not-want not. My little grandma would spend her day cleaning, cooking and watching soaps and when it came time to eat the dinner she just spent 2 hours making, she would serve us and then go outside and take some time for herself.

I was a normal 5 year old that didn't really like stewed tomatoes or onions or....the list could go on and on. Sitting with my Grandfather eating "supper" was like torture to me. He wouldn't let me get up until I cleaned my plate. Sometimes he would get down right offended that I wouldn't eat that stewed tomato. But I learned quickly to eat quietly and quickly and if there was something to awful to bear, my sweet Grandma would swoop in after Grandpa settled into his chair for the evening and she would feed my scraps to the dog, all the while telling me not to say anything to him. I would skip in to Grandpa's living room and when he would ask if I finished all my food, I would keep my promise to Grandma and tell him "Yes", where he would then nod his head approvingly.

Normally I didn't have a problem clearing my plate. My mom (and grandma) are fantastic cooks. Enchiladas, tacos, macaroni casserole are my favorites...to name just a few. I have had an affinity for Mexican food since I was born. But I never learned when or even how to stop. I would just eat until I was stuffed. We didn't want to waste it. ;)

But looking deeper into the meaning that food has held for me all of my life, I see that it was time that I got to spend with my mom and my grandma cooking. I always was my mom's little prep cook, frying tortillas, grating cheese, setting the table, making the Kool-aid, helping clean up after dinner. We celebrated with food and the process in making it. It was time for us to just hang out after a long day at school and all of the long hours she worked in order to provide for us. Cooking became a ritual of spending time with each other, a necessity that became much more in the process to me. I still love cooking with my mom on the holidays and random dinners that I invite myself to. It is still a source of comfort to me just to have her with me. Its not about the food....just the company.

So that has been my focus this week. I make smaller portions, serve myself smaller portions, eat slower, wait for longer periods in between serving myself more food and I always find that I don't want more. We play outside before dinner while the veggies are steaming and have a dance party after dinner instead of eating ice cream. What my little girl was craving clearly was more time with me. It is clear that she was doing what she saw...recommending food establishments because I was always eating out...but now is asking for dance parties and books before bed instead of food and TV.  This shift is just what we have been looking for.

<3, J

Here it is...

The scary truth.

298 freakin' pounds.

and so it begins today. This is the highest I have ever been minus being preggers where I tipped the scales at 313 pounds and thought that when I gave birth I would lose 80 pounds. Well....that didn't happen. 26 pounds left that day and that was five and half years ago.

So I am making this declaration to myself. I am going to make changes. I am going to do what I know how to do....and that is make the right decisions for myself and for my family. I hate what I have done to myself...however I don't know what thin feels like. I know that I have always considered myself fat, heavy, thick, chunky...whatever I decided to call it to make myself feel better in the moment. Well now it is time to call a spade a spade and admit to myself in my little corner of the internet....that I am an excuse maker. I am everything to everybody...but nothing to myself. I am a special education teacher, a mother, a photographer, a crafter, a volunteer, a jane of all trades and I work my ass off. But for everyone else.

I watch Biggest Loser every season...but I don't ever get off the couch and do anything about it. I have had a gym membership since 2007 and I never go. I am always too tired or I have made a committment to someone else which once again puts me on the back burner. I am a willing participant to take the back seat to others. But something has changed in the way I think lately and it is my daughter. She is almost 6 and has my body. She is a big girl...and I don't mean fat....I mean tall. She is big for her age. I have 5th grade students in my class who are the same height as her. We have a wonderful pediatrician who is realistic about her...doesn't just look at her weight and say....she is obese. He has always maintained that if her percentages in height and weight are equal...that she is just a big girl. She has always been over 98th percentile in her height and weight since she was born. But now I am seeing her watch me and copy the things I do. She is not as active as I would like her to be. She eats fast food like me as we are always racing from one place to the next. She would rather sit and watch tv or craft with me. She doesn't know how to be active...because she has me as a mother.

So it has to change. If not for me....then for her. I am doing this for myself...but in the moments of thinking I am over it....I am going to look to my little girl who is sweet, kind, gentle, caring, creative, funny, dramatic...knowing that she got those traits from me and I am going to add to the list....daring, adventurous, active, athletic, energetic, and able. Able to look at anything and run not walk towards it and realize that I am also doing this for her. So I can be a Mommy that she wants to look up to and not one that she is ashamed of. I have realized that I was just like her once..."big" for my age. But everyone told me I was fat. Everyone told me that I "had such a pretty face" and that I could model if I just lost the weight. But noone told me how and instead I grew up in a house where with every celebration...came food, with every disappointment...came food, with every stress...came food. I do the same thing with my family. But it is changing now. I don't want my kids to know the name of every restaurant in a 10 mile radius, but not know the taste of their own mother's cooking in the comfort of their own home. I don't want my kids to continue to ask for chicken nuggets every time we pass a fast food place. It is over today.

So my excuses have kept me down. Life happened, school started, my husband went on the road, money issues talked me into saying I couldn't afford to eat healthy....but yet I could afford to eat fast food everyday. I will say this...I know that it is going to be a challenge to me. I am going to have to plan ahead for myself and not just for everyone else. I am going to schedule in time for myself. I am going to have to stop playing games on facebook, pinning on pinterest, checking emails, texting, watching biggest loser on tv. I am going to have to stop making excuses and look at myself long and hard in the mirror every day and know that I made this committment and it is time.

Time to be the woman I know I can be. Fully and completely. Not just the amazing teacher or mom or friend to everyone else. The amazing Jenna Marie that has been hiding in a fat suit for the better part of my entire life.

Remember that I am not normally like this....but these are the thoughts that have been racing through my head every night as I lay down to go to sleep, keeping me awake at night and scaring the bejesus out of me. But today I woke up with the resolve. I woke up with the I have had enough feeling that I have been waiting for.  I have to be brutally honest with myself and instead of writing it in my normal journal I am putting it here.

This has to change. Here it goes.

<3, J